Put on a happy face

Today I had one of my last few Invisalign appointments. I have about six weeks and two sets of aligners left, after which point I'll be given two night retainers plus semi-permanent metal bars that go behind my teeth. Why yes, I am 33. Apologies in advance for trafficking in that radio signal.

The doctor would prefer I stretch the process out and wear my last two sets for longer, 4-5 weeks for each, so he can make minute adjustments on certain teeth. And while I suppose I could suck it up and honor that - it's not like an extra few weeks will kill me - I am so beyond ready to be done with these things.

Physically, wearing them has been fine - the trays are comfortable, unobtrusive, and no hassle whatsoever. I even really enjoy the pressure against my teeth, the sense that something is working. However, the whole time I've had them, I've never felt entirely comfortable in my skin.

I don't think I was ever self-conscious wearing braces - everyone in my high school had them. But now, as a 33 year old professional woman, I find myself, not embarrassed, exactly, but ill-at-ease sporting a plastic grin, however nearly-invisible the aligners might be. From a distance, you can't see them at all. Up close, you might catch the plastic's reflection, and no matter where you are, you can probably detect a small lisp in my speech. None of it should be embarrassing - there is no shame in straightening my teeth - but it feels different, obvious, like I've covered up a big zit with concealer, and can't concentrate on conversation because what if they're looking at my skin?!

The worst part is that I have noticed it affecting my behavior. At work, I stay in my office more, rather than socialize with my coworkers. I don't smile as much, and when I do, it's not my signature sunshine beam; it's a less enthusiastic, half-staff grin. Overall, I'm more withdrawn, and when I'm wearing them, just don't feel as confident as when I'm not. You know those studies that say smiling, even artificially, can boost your mood, because you are sending certain signals to the brain? I buy it. Especially since that would support the shitty mood I've been in for - coincidentally - the last 11 months or so.

Because, without exaggeration, 2009 has been the single most shitastic year of my adult life.

It's not that anything truly bad happened. Well, actually, a lot of soul-sucking, humbling things have happened - none of which I care to share - but nothing in the sense that anyone was sick or that I lost my job or my health or my home. I am ever-blessed to have everything I need and more. Much of the melancholy is due to the fact that nothing has happened. I have been in the same job and same home and same situation for the last four and a half years, and instead of reveling in my mature stability, I feel stagnant, stuck, fearing I am going to flatline forever.

(Boo-hoo. I am going to be in a healthy, stable, comfortably self-supported situation forever. Wah.)

A lot of this has to do with the economy. Many of my friends in LA are unemployed, which has affected their attitudes, which by proxy, have affected mine. I don't go out much because my friends don't have the funds or inclination. (I also don't go out much because many friends are in relationships, and the people who do go out are under 30, but that's another post, and- not-coincidentally - also contributing to much of my malaise.)

It's like the entire nation has collectively lost its optimism and I'm caught in the cross-hairs. I always used to feel I had something to look forward to - new friends to meet, guys to date, jobs to take, the idea that anything could happen. Opportunities used to present themselves, but in the last year, the energy around me has come to a grinding halt. My mojo has plummeted to an all-time low. I really don't even recognize myself. Which is unsettling coming from someone who spends an inordinate amount of time looking in the mirror.

Sorry, kids. I didn't start out this post intending to complain. And I don't actually think that once I lose the Invisalign, the rest of my life will magically align. But, as with just about everything else from 2009, I'm more than ready to leave this memory behind.