In need of a spiritual bath and an interview with Dr. Drew

If I left the Shamanic Journey feeling like I got answers to some lifelong questions, the Clairvoyant left me asking more questions than either of us had answers. Rather than providing clarity or understanding, the whole experience left me extremely confused and truthfully, a bit unsettled.

When I walked in, we did some deep breathing to open up my energy. Immediately she commented that I am very intuitive, extra sensitive to other people's energies, and that I have some blocking in my second/sacral chakra, which is where I pick up said energies. She suggested that I start paying attention to how I feel, bodily, when in a crowd such as a mall or the grocery store, that negativity, especially, affects my psyche.

I then recalled my trip to Santa Ynez with John a few years ago (which, when I read over it now, seems a bit prophetic). We stayed at the Chumash Casino and Resort, and after dinner, decided to check out the casino. Within minutes of walking in, I decided I needed to leave. The people in the room seemed horribly sad and downtrodden and it pained me to be there. Not in the physical sense, like I was sick to my stomach - as a blocking in my sacral chakra would suggest - but in a panicky, dread-filled kind of way. I insisted to John that we get out of there, ASAP, and we did.

I also have always felt very intuitive, and pretty knowledgeable about when my energies are lined up. I'm sure I've written that phrase a million times on this blog (like in that post!). Throughout the reading, the clairvoyant kept going back to this concept, often remarking, "You're just so intuitive, Lori." She also kept going back to the idea that I needed to do some clearing, because I was so congested with other people's stuff. After the third or fourth time she mentioned cleansing, though, I couldn't help but feel a little bit dirty.

She said that when I walked in, my energy was closed - held close to my body - and that's what I do to protect myself. I know I do that. And when I breathed in, my energy opened up, and that is the energy I want to be living. We did a little protection ritual to let me know I was safe there, that I could open up. (Like cleansing, protection will become a common theme.)

Suddenly she got a vision of me on a trampoline. As she started to describe it, she cut herself off.

"Talk about fourth grade. What was going on?"

"I was in a play in fourth grade."

I proceeded to tell her about being cast as the White Rabbit in our school nutrition play, Alice in Bodyland, how it was a role perfectly suited to me, I had the best teacher, it was the best year. Anyone I went to elementary school with would recall the play; if you hadn't been in Mr. Greenberg's class, you wanted to be, because his plays were the highlight of every year.

"Okay, where you are in your life right now, is perfect. You are getting ready to jump into something. Something is opening. For all the elation you felt in fourth grade, that everything was lined up - you are either right there now, or you are just stepping into having the right teacher and everything you wanted."

She asked me what in my life was going really well. "Pretty much everything," I answered. Work was good, friends were good, home was good. The only thing I was missing and wanting was a man.

She said, "Do you feel like you are being who you really are?" Now, that's a loaded question. Yes, I do think I am being myself, but the sheer fact that she asked that made me doubt it. Could she see something I couldn't? Have I been lying to myself, carrying on some sort of alternate persona to get through the day and my life in LA? I answered as truthfully as I could.

"I think so," I said."But I do feel antsy, like I feel things are all lined up and I'm just waiting to get to the next level."

And then she said, "Romance, partnership - what is best for you is to do some spiritual practice. Some sort of cleansing. If you attracted a partner right now, it would be someone who is more in alignment with where you have been, not where you want to go." More talk about needing protection and cleansing rituals. I am starting to feel broken at this point. Not because it's not the right time for romance, but because whatever I have been doing is wrong or tainted in some way.

"You can not bring anything else into your life at all. There is too much. Your soul knows you are moving into a higher vibration, and if you go into it with all this stuff, you are going to magnetize all this weird junk that you don't need to be carrying around with you."

"Something happened four years ago where your heart got broken and said, 'Okay, we're going to take a little break and sit in a box on the mantle for a while.'" It was actually five years ago, but yeah.

"Your heart wants out of the box, but it needs protection [again, ugh!]; it's not going to come out to ogres."

"You're moving into it, and whatever is in that space its all waiting for you, but your higher self wants to make sure you are ready. You anticipate that something is coming. You're antsy for it. But be in the present. Anything you need to do now, anything you want to do now, do anything now as if it is the last time you ever have. Because it will be." Her voice was so firm, it came out sounding more ominous than enlightening.

"Where you are moving, you won't be interested in that stuff." Oh, okay. "Clear up anything you have - clean your garage, write letters, make phone calls. You want to be ready, and they won't bring you in if you're not. They want you to be completely ready, cleansed and purified." (Honestly? Enough already.)

"Do you love words? Are you a writer? That's a gift that you have. Use it, use it use it. It's a very huge gift for you, and now is a wonderful time for you to be writing. It just comes spilling out for you."

I asked her again about romance, and she very surely said that it's in my best if I don't have one. That I know, or am getting ready to meet, a teacher - not a school teacher, but someone who is going to teach me something, someone that shows me where I need to go.

Then, she very pointedly asked me, "Do you go to AA meetings?"

Um, no.

"Oh, I see you at an AA meeting, or Al Anon, or in a library - something not with a ton of people, casual."

"Do you have a brother? A male in my life about your age, I'm hearing 38. That you know that has some sort of AA, Al Anon, a drinker, uses more drugs than he should?"

Um, no.

"Someone about 38 - you do know someone - either with your work or a bit removed, something to do with work - someone is sad, not expressing himself. He might look like a casual drinker, but it's more than you think. I think that is someone who is a teacher for you. He may seem demanding, harsh, mandating, an asshole, but you are going see behind it. It's so sad." She starts crying.

I honestly can't think of who she means. I know one person who has been to AA, but I don't see or speak to her much. I'm sure I know a few guys that are 38, and one, in fact, who is 37 and very much a teacher, but he is the farthest thing from demanding or mean. She also gave me a few names that came to her, but none of them mean anything to me now. (If they do in the future, I'll let you know!)

"I've got to tell you Lori, you are just very, very intuitive. It just feels like a screen has been put in front of you that has worked for you to not know too much, not see to much, not feel too much."

If I could count the number of times I've been told I hide my emotions behind a screen, that I keep to myself... I asked, "You mean like a screen door?"

"No," she said. "More like a Chinese bamboo screen, something more solid."

Oh, so it's gotten worse.

"When you replace that with something that is more mesh... you'll start noticing you are attracting different people. You are going to notice the people around you that have addictions - and I would say there are a few. Who in your life has addictions?"

"No one, that I know."

Am I wrong? Are there any addicts reading this? How well you must be hiding your habit. I had no idea.

"I think you have a few people in your life who have closet addictions. That is going to bloom for you - you will start to notice. You are going to start seeing things. You are going to tune into people who are sad, and who, in their sadness, turn to some sort of substance to tune themselves out. You will be great at tuning into people who don't express themselves."

So, basically, in addition to harboring a number of substance abusers in my life, I'm going to become some sort of dysfunctional ghost whisperer? Where instead of communicating with the dead, I'll be finely attuned to addicts and the emotionally unavailable? Awesome.

"Where you are right now, its great to attract and notice people who are on the fence of having addictions and who are doubting their own value, because that's the vibration you are in now, and you don't want to carry that to the new place."

That's the vibration I'm in right now? Really? To be completely honest, there may have been a time five years ago when I thought I might have a problem with alcohol, but that was when I was at the pit of my despair in New York. I drink considerably less now than I ever have in my life - or at least since turning 21. And when I did drink back then, or ever, really, it was never to compensate for a lack of value - it was primarily to distract myself from the dark thoughts I knew hid somewhere in my own head. Heart, mantle, etc.

I don't know. I know not to take this stuff literally. But after being told a million times that I needed to "cleanse" and that I am over-protective of my energy and emotions, I couldn't help but leave the session feeling like I was the one who was emotionally unavailable. Of course, she wasn't really telling me anything I don't already know.

I know that I hold energy close to my body, and I also know that when I let it go, I can light up a room. I have been told that my smile is infectious and that I possess a certain glow; but I am also very conscious of when I let that out and when I prefer to keep everyone at a distance. I'm a Gemini, I have two personalities - I just figured that was par for the course.

I did appreciate hearing that I'm not meant to find romance now. What a relief, actually, that I can take a break from wondering if every guy that comes around the corner or pops up at parties could have potential. Finally, I have an excuse not to try so hard! I had planned on going back online in a few weeks; now I am thankful to save that money and spare myself a few bad dates for while.

Reading back over this, for the hundredth time, I see that the overall message was positive. I am on the cusp of change, of greatness, of a happiness and comfort I haven't felt since fourth grade. But the idea that I'm going to start attracting sad people and addicts and that such a sad addict is going to be my teacher... I mean, how would you feel? And for someone supposedly so intuitive, how is it that I have no freaking idea who she might be talking about? Maybe I'm not so intuitive after all. Then, at least, she'd be wrong on both counts.

I have to say that unless my big change involves a publicist's job at VH1's Celebrity Rehab, I think I'm a bit nervous for the future.