The big reveal

I haven't wanted to blog about it, but I guess I need to mention at some point that Albert and I broke up last week. I haven't wanted to blog about it not because I am upset - on the contrary, I am good - but because I think breakups are private and, really, there isn't much to say. It was mutual, something we had talked about before; I think the relationship just ran its natural course.

Of course I'm disappointed that what was great in the beginning didn't turn out to be enough in the end. And it's hard to get used to not talking to someone you were in contact with every day - especially when that person is genuinely warm and witty and fun to talk to. But ultimately, the relationship was really good for me. It was probably the most normal, adult relationship I've had in years. Like, a lot of years. And truthfully, I learned more about myself during the three months I dated him than I think over the last 31 years combined. (Almost 32, by the way...)

A few days ago, I signed back up for Match. I suppose maybe I could use a distraction and wanted to throw myself back in the game, but more than that, I feel energized. I feel, for the first time, like I actually have something to offer someone, that I am not weighed down by the baggage of my past, much of which I never even knew was there to begin with.

Of course, that energy has quickly been drained reading the same online profiles that were there six months ago, and new ones that may as well have been, for all the generic content I see. More disheartening than reading these profiles has been responding to them, answering the same questions over and over again - when did I move here, why did I move, Yankees or Red Sox? Telling the same story for three years now has gotten boring, even to me. Dare I say it, Internet? I think I may be entirely over myself.

I'm also kind of dreading the next step, having to decide how much more of my story to share in person. In my essay, I explained that I rarely told suitors about the blog - if the relationship worked, I didn't want to self-consciously self-edit; if it didn't, they didn't need to read why. Despite spilling the beans to Albert on the first date, that thought process still holds true. But now, thanks to my LA Times byline, this blog is much less anonymous - anyone with a search engine and a little patience can find it. Even if I never talked about blogging while dating again, it's only two Google searches away from doing the talking for me.

All cart before the horse, I suppose. Just something to think about now that I'm back in the saddle.