Weighing on my mind
There are few things in life that make me happier than a good workout. Exercising is such an integral part of my life, that when I go without, I feel it in every part of my body - from a literal looseness in my skin to the change in my appetite to a dip in my disposition. Nothing makes me feel more powerful than a long distance run or being the only girl on the weight floor, lifting weights that more men than women use.
What doesn't make me happy is that for the last five months, I have consistently worked out harder, longer, and more frequently than I have in years, and yet I am still the heaviest I have ever been. Muscle may weigh more than fat, but that means nothing when clothes I wore last summer are tight or bulge in the wrong places; it doesn't explain why I've gone up a cup size or gained an hourglass figure. I can run farther and more often than I could in New York, yet my thighs sit next to me the rare times I find myself on the sofa. It's the driving, I think, almost two hours in the car every day, versus my former life when I walked to work.
I eat the same, if not better. I drink less, which also helps minimize drunken binges or hangover breakfasts that were a real part of my recent past. I am doing everything right, so far as I can tell, and yet it is not enough.
I know that it is enough just to be healthy, and my body is healthy. But is my mind? I am at the gym five days per week. I pass on plans with friends, dates, networking opportunities, because I would rather work out and work towards my goal than spend a night in some restaurant or bar. I know that I am not "fat". But for the amount of work I put into this, I should be getting something more out. I should look the way I did at 22, 25, when I was ahead of the game, not just struggling to keep up.
What does it take? What more can I do? I'm not a crazy person who is going to exercise twice a day, nor would I ever stop eating. It's not the emaciated look I want, it's the tight, toned, cut look I used to have, before gravity started putting up such a fight.
I don't think it's just about exercising. I went to a pool party yesterday, and as I sat on the deck in my tank top and shorts, a girl at least 10 pounds heavier than me was having the time of her life, swimming unselfconsciously in her teeny bikini, cellulite exposed and rolls akimbo. She's a marathon runner. The girl can run 26 miles at a given time and she looks worse than I do, albeit happier. What, exactly, am I supposed to aim for? Fat and happy? I'll take thin and bitter for $100, Alex.
Maybe if I still lived in Boston I would be more content with my body, and accept the weight gain for what it is - age related. But here in LA, bodies defy age, and I refuse to succumb to the masses so easily. Besides, isn't complacency the reason more people are obese now than ever before? At what point does buying a larger size go from being a healthy acceptance to blind denial? There has to be a line between being satisfied and being lazy, and I don't think I will be satisfied until I look like Jennifer Aniston. Well, at least Jennifer Garner.
It's not just celebrities I'm comparing myself to, it's my friends. It's those other people at the pool party who were my age, and had half the tush I do, without the work, or at least the worry that they were missing that day's workout. They drank the same calorie-laden punch I did, didn't pass on the potato chips, and probably didn't even run the night before - as I did. It's the people I see on the streets all the time, eating dinner at the same restaurants, working out at the same gym, that I want to know, what is their secret? Why don't their thighs touch, why is their stomach still taught and flat, when we seem to have so much else in common?
I'm not fishing for compliments here, I am simply frustrated. Frustrated that I spend so much time and effort and mental energy on something that is not giving me what it used to. By no means am I ashamed of, or embarrassed of my body; it's just that my pride is taking a beating. For years, working out, being fit, was such a part of my identity - I took a lot of pride in my appearance, in my body, in my strength. I may never be the prettiest girl in the room, but for a long time, I was the fittest. And now, I don't even have that. So what's left?
The joy of working out, I suppose. The strength I have gained, the habit I have formed. The knowledge that if I didn't exercise, I'd be a lot worse off. But sometimes, when all I want to do is wear a bathing suit or a little black dress, I need more than an endorphin high to keep me going.
Labels: gym, Los Angeles
posted by Lori @ 4:05 PM
4 Comments:
I kinda went thru the same deal. I always looked at other dudes my age and was like "why can't I be like that?" Specially watching UFC's Randy Couture, a man well older than me with the physique of a young god. So I decided to do two things about it.
First I started a diet to get rid of some overweight (according to BMI stats) and so far I've lost over 30lbs. I'm feeling freakin' awesome. I will explain in my blog how I did this as soon as I reach my goal.
And secondly, the hardest thing to do but the most important one: I accepted the fact that I do not have the genetics to have a muscular body, and that the older I get my body changes. In order to prevent my mind from messing with that acceptance, I set simple and obtainable goals for myself.
These goals can be anything. For instance: I always wanted to ride a horse, so a friend and I rode some horse last summer and it was a blast. Or I never shot a gun, so I went to the LA Gun Club and had a "blast". But also physical goals, like entering a Nike Run Hit wonder in September again.
Once you start setting these goals (I keep a tadalist) and reaching them, you tend to forget about the "OMG I want a 6pack" and you'll feel a lot happier about yourself.
Hope this makes sense and helps you a bit...
Temptation seems to be the influence on my physical appearance and my mom, the queen of fitness, would say that inconsistency and compromising your ritual behaviors increases your tendencies towards gluttony. It is possible to overcome those imperfections naturally and necessity is the best motivation.
All that running and weight lifting is amazing - but all very shortening and tigthening for your muscles. Maybe if you switched 1 or 2 days a week to pilates, yoga or even dance (notice how lean and cut up they look?) to counteract all of that shortening of the muscles. A little yin for your yang.
Oh, gosh...I can't even begin to tell you how much I can relate to you on this! I fear that the answer is something that neither of us want to hear - sometimes your body just changes. Go ahead and smack me. I've wanted to every single time I consider the thought. But that's the only conclusion that I can come to.
With that being said, how do we accept our bodies as they are and find happiness in them? I'm still trying to find the answer to that. My boyfriend tells me how hot I am all the time...all my friends tell me I look great and shouldn't worry about it, yet none of that really matters much if I don't believe it myself.
BIG kudos to you for being so diligent. I tend to get discouraged when I'm not noticing a difference and slack off at the gym. Whether or not you're seeing a big difference physically, you are making a MAJOR difference in your health. Maybe you can find some comfort in that?
Ok, you can just slap me again.... :o)
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