I must have done something good

I've never liked using the word "blessed" before, as in, "I'm so blessed to have such-and-such in my life."

There's just something about the concept of "being blessed" that seems disingenuous to me; maybe because it implies a religious observance to which I don't relate, or maybe because a big part of me believes that no one is blessed or not blessed - we all make our own luck in this world for better or for worse. Maybe those are the same points. But I often think the word sounds forced or artificial, and I want the speaker to just take credit for the goodness that's in their lives instead of trying to assign it to a higher power.

So I became a bit annoyed with myself this weekend when all that kept running through my mind was how truly blessed I felt to have so many good people in my life.

Friday night, when I was looking for a photo to include with my birthday post, I found the stack of birthday cards from last year's big 30th birthday. It was a huge stack. I sat down on my floor and read through every one of them, and found myself in tears before I was even half finished. I don't know why they touched me so much; it wasn't like anyone wrote love poems or even much more than Happy Birthday, but the sheer number of them was overwhelming. And the few things that people did write were poignant and sincere, and I just started to feel unworthy of all the good wishes. "I'm so blessed", I thought, before I caught myself.

Saturday the phone rang all day, and I cherished the time spent catching up with friends and family on the east coast, some who I only talk to on birthdays and holidays, which makes our infrequent correspondence all the more important. Saturday night was the birthday party, and a big part of me was still insecure about friends showing up, staying, having a good time. Again, they all came, they all stayed, they all kind of made me wonder - today, when I was looking at the photos wondering just how drunk I must have been to barely remember them being taken - what on earth they possibly see in me. I'm not that cool. I don't deserve this kind of reception. I'm not being down on myself. I just don't understand how I could have gotten this lucky.

I think of all the ways I could be a better person, a better friend, and sometimes I wonder why karma hasn't kicked me in the ass already, paying me back for those times I ignore my cell phone or blame the time difference for my lack of communication. That's when I start thinking that my retribution is already being paid out through my perpetual state of singledom, that in exchange for bountiful friends, I will remain a spinster for life. Because there's just no way I deserve all of these amazing people and friendships in my life. Not without sacrificing something.

Sacrifice, retribution, blessed. These are words I don't use lightly, if at all. The irony is that, while I may not believe in "blessings", I chose the title for this post based on the lyrics of a nun. (Albeit, a renounced nun.)