Fight, flight, write

Tonight I met and surpassed my goal of running 35 miles in December - with seven days left to go! I'm not quite sure how to set my mileage goal for January; I think I could easily do 40 miles, if I don't injure myself or get completely bored of running by then.

Although, I did sign up for a writing class that starts in January, so that's going to take up my Thursday nights for 10 weeks straight. Maybe a mileage goal is too ambitious and I should just concentrate on getting to the gym, what with this one night per week suddenly off my schedule. I know the one night might not sound like a lot to you, but to me... it's basically fucking with my freedom.

This may or may not come as a shock, but I have a big problem with commitment. It's not that I can't commit to things - because I can, and I do - it's that I'm afraid I'm going to come to resent the time suck and the loss of that night in my schedule. This isn't a vague notion, some fear I've concocted in my head as a guise for some larger issue; but from gymnastics to soccer to cheerleading as a kid, to a copywriting class my first year out of college, I've quit and resented practically every extracurricular I've ever tried. That last one? After I had my boss recommend me for a prestigious (and expensive!) Ad House program, I went to the first five classes, realized I hated advertising, and promptly got a job in PR.

It's like I loathed the commitment so much I had to switch careers.

My fear of commitment is why I have so few hobbies. Or, alternatively, why the gym IS my hobby. It's the only activity I truly look forward to (well, other than socializing) and I need at least four nights a week to do it. Yes, I'll still have more than enough nights free, but I'll have to schedule more carefully, cut back on the socializing, and lose a little bit of freedom. And it's that small sense of loss that sparks a huge visceral reaction in which my heart races, I tense up, and want to immediately call it quits.

You could say I have similar issues with men.

After years of feeling strung along in three-to-five month mini-relationships, it finally occurred to me that maybe I was the one with the commitment problem. That, since like attracts like, I might be attracting guys who, just like me, were afraid of losing their freedom. It's been a less-than-charming signature of mine that every time I get somewhat close to making someone a part of my life, I've tensed up, gotten all anxious, and mentally run out of the relationship.

Unfortunately that kind of running hasn't furthered any of my goals. Though you could say I am just following my own agenda.