Body issues may come and go but creativity is forever

The following was from an email written ten freaking years ago, dated 12/2/98:

REASONS WHY I LIKE BEING FAT

1. Lack of self-confidence provides a challenge to meet boys
2. Flab rolls are a convenient place to keep house keys, small pets, any inconvenient item
3. Insulation in the winter
4. An excuse to buy all new clothes!
5. Pears are good for you, why not look like one?
6. Breasts become much less noticeable
7. People must really like me for my personality
8. Dress Barn has really good sales
9. Give the makers of cellulite creams a chance at the market
10. Crushing beer cans with arm flab

Of course, this type of email could only have been written by someone who knew, deep down, that she wasn't really fat. But it was my first year out of college, in my first few months at a desk job where I was given no responsibility and nothing to do, and my confidence was in the toilet. I may have gone up to a size four (OMG! The horror!) but I definitely wasn't crushing anything with arm flab, and, if I really had gained weight, I would have known that I am much more of an apple.

I have a ton of emails printed out from that fall. I must have known, even back then, how miserable and desperate and unsure of myself I sounded. I was missing college - we all were - and sitting in an office all day with nothing to do. When I was hired, it was the fall of 98 - the height of the economy. My position hadn't existed before and no one knew what to do with me. So I spent that first year emailing my friends, comprising ridiculous poems and late-night worthy top ten lists. Here are a few more, for your enjoyment:

10/1/98 - Top Ten Reasons to be Glad We're Not in Syracuse:

1. Get to see the sun rise every morning
2. The Big Apple much more impressive than Otto the Orange
3. Same fish, bigger fishbowl
4. Syracuse, 1 Rat [popular bartender]; NYC, rats everywhere
5. Work up a better sweat in the subway than at Archbold [the school gym]
6. Much too expensive to buy shots at the bar, therefore reducing embarrassing throw-up stories
7. No one is ever Jackass of the Week
8. We only get tested on our ability to suck it all up
9. Hazing refers only to the weather
10. Getting laid is much more of a challenge

And, my favorite, also from 10/1/98:

Once upon a time, I went to this school
Lived in a house, and followed no rule
I lived with these girls, who knew how to play
They drank and they smoked, in and out, every day.
Two-for-Tuesdays, abound
Wednesdays, All You Can Drink
Ladies Night Thursdays, turned into Happy Hour
I think.
It was a time of true happiness, and utter despair
When the boys that we loved, seemed never to care
Remember My Toe Dust [nickname]
And my need for closure?
My heart was just crushed from that heavy bulldozer.
It was somewhat similar to your plight with Sig Ep
Boy-with-girl-name caused you often to fret.
Short Ted was a trip
Brendan and Evan, a joy
Why was it so hard, to find just one nice boy?
Though life could be bleak, we'd often have a killer time
Party like rock stars, at your favorite, and mine.
44's was our haven, through thick and through thin
When all else was low, it provided a grin
No Paddy Murphy coaches?
A test the next day?
There's only one choice - Fours showed us the way.
The next morning, hungover, we'd lazily rest
Sitting in the Sun Room, with a plate of Gary's best [house cook - we were so spoiled]
Classes were optional - we'd rather watch Rosie
Sipping our coffee, and being quite nosy.
Listening in as everyone sat, and voiced their complaints
About this, about that.
We'd mope and we'd talk, nosh on graham crackers
Ignoring our homework, cause we were such slackers.
I long for the days of fun and denial
Hanging out, drinking, doing nothing worthwhile.
The days now pass quickly, and we're busy with such things
But I know we'll stay close, whatever life brings.
The real world may suck, but after a long, hard day
The furthest I'll be is a phone call away.