Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

From the time I was 11 up until I was 17, I spent every summer at sleepaway camp. Every morning after breakfast, we'd have cabin cleanup, where each camper would be responsible for one chore per day, determined by a spin on the job wheel. Some chores were easier than others, but I remember that, hands down, the worst chore was mopping the bathroom floor.

It was the worst chore because, first of all, you likely had around 10 campers and four counselors who used the bathroom daily. Aside from showering and just going to the bathroom, that also meant 14 pairs of feet that brought in gunk from the outside, whether it was mud from one of the many playing fields or just the dust that always seemed a permanent fixture on the wooden cabin floors.

The other reason why mopping was so bad was because you had to wait for everyone else to finish their chores before you could even begin. So while the rest of the cabin cleans up and gets ready for the day, you just have to sit and watch while they keep bringing their dirt in, making seemingly even more work for you. Finally, once the sink person and the toilet person and the bathroom sweeper person are finished, only then can you go in and get to work. And by that point the whole cabin is running late for archery and they all yell at you to hurry it up already.

Nevertheless, I spent five summers mopping the bathroom floor, once every week or so depending on how many girls were in my bunk. Only when I became a counselor did I get relieved from cabin cleanup, and, like many other things I learned as an adolescent (basic Algebra, for example) my knowledge of mopping was lost almost as quickly as it was learned.

Now, over the years, I have had many a bathroom and kitchen floor that have required mopping. I am literally going to "come clean" now, and tell you that all this time, I simply have been faking it. In NYC, most of the surface areas were small enough as to not need a mop - a single sponge and elbow grease were enough to take care of any visible dirt accumulation. And because I tended to move every two years, well, let's just say I was more than happy to make that someone else's problem.

But my kitchen here is huge. HUGE. And I actually like the tile, a 1950's black and white check that adds some kitschy character I never had in New York. However every time I have gone to clean it I have felt like one big failure, because I have no idea what on earth I am doing.

For the first time in my life I actually own a bucket made for this purpose. I've filled it with water, many times, dipped the mop in, and then proceeded to move the water around the floor with said mop. I rinse the mop out in the sink, dip it back in, rinse and repeat until my arms fall off and the floor looks moderately cleaner. But, is this mopping?

Unlike the old Murphy's Oil commercials where the woman is practically dancing as she glides her mop across the floor, I find myself constantly in my own way, smacking myself in the face with the wet sponge (I know, gross, I was not meant for menial labor, thank you) or bruising my arms and legs as I twirl the handle, baton-like, from the sink to the floor.

Today I decided I was going to go back to the sponge and Clorox method. After five minutes scrubbing on my hands and knees, however, I started feeling like Private Benjamin with her toothbrush and fished the mop out of the closet to finish the job. And while the floor definitely looks cleaner, I can't help but feel that I have just moved the dirt somewhere else.

So, I ask you people, what am I doing wrong here? Can you give me some tips? Or the number for a cleaning lady?