Can you guess what I did all weekend?

Sometimes I'll look in my closet and wonder why I have nothing to wear. And then I'll go shopping and realize that's because I hate everything that's in style right now.

Seriously, though? Where do people shop if they don't want to dress like Lindsay Lohan? I can't be the only person laughing at leggings or cringing at the tapered torture suggested by slimfit jeans. Even if I had the size 0 body, I've already done that look, and you only have to flip through the pages of my seventh grade yearbook to see that it wasn't so great the first time around.

I get that fashion is cyclical, and I'm just as guilty as the next girl of reviving trends that my parents thought were better off dead; but I just can't wrap my arms around 80% of what I see in stores today. For instance:

A. Leggings and super-slim-fit jeans. See above.

B. This whole hippie/gypsy/bollywood thing: Tory Burch may have built an empire around tunics, but I can't pay $200 for what, to me, looks like a bathing suit cover-up. Even in a knock-off, I don't need an article of clothing that turns my torso into a tank engine. But apparently every store on the Third Street Promenade thinks I do. Even if I found one in a fit that somehow flattered, it would have to be in a solid color, not paisly or floral or any other pattern that makes my skin look washed out or like I've been suffering from a sort of fashion era dementia.

C. Belts: I like belts. Belts are good. But I don't like belts made of cheap leather or with cheap hardware. Like bags and shoes, I believe in spending money on quality belts. The problem is that the belts that are in style right now are so ginormous and so painfully trendy, it doesn't make any sense to spend a lot of money on something that won't be in vogue next year. Less expensive belts are visibly subpar, often made from off-color leather or metal that is just a bit too bright and shiny or dull and dirty. Then again, I don't have to worry too much about belts because the most popular reason for wearing one is as a cinch for your tunic when worn over leggings. See A and B.

D. Empire waist tops with too much material at the bottom. It just needs to skim over the not-so-firm parts; not hide a beach ball or get me through pregnancy. It's not like I'm Britney, or anything.

E. Bolero jackets: My shoulders may be my most favorite body part to show off. My waist is probably the least. This also goes for the similar poncho-inspired sweaters sold in stores now. (For the record, I never had a poncho, not even during the approximate eight seconds during which they were popular.)

F. Tube dresses: Okay, I actually love this look. Especially if it's by Ella Moss. I just think I'm too old to get away with it, and for that, I'm bitter.

So what's left to buy? Well, shoes, of course! I've been waiting since the late 90's for platforms and wedges to come back in style; now that they are, I've scooped up about three new pairs - and counting. More comfortable than pointed-toes and more practical than stilettos, these are two styles I welcome back with open arms. And pedicured feet. Even if that makes me, in the eyes of my parents, just another fashion victim.